Monthly Archives: July, 2014

Today is International Beer Day!

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August is here and it’s time to celebrate the traditions of International Beer Day, that little-known holiday that appeared on the calendar in 2007 (per Wikipedia, the recognized source of truthiness worldwide)!  What does that mean to Hashers?  After all, isn’t every day beer day?  Perhaps we can collectively celebrate International Drink More Beer Day, instead.

Tomorrow is Mathole’s August Holiday Hash, so please pace your consumption tonight – You don’t want to be celebrating International Hangover Day on trail.  My phone says there’s a 55 percent chance of rain at the On Out, but my phone is usually a big fat liar.  It’s best to be prepared since we Hash regardless of the weather.  I recommend waterproofing your holiday-themed r*nning togs.  It might be a good idea to wear new shoes, too.

Don’t forget to RSVP at either the Facebook page or MeetUp.  Math needs to make sure there’s enough beer on hand, so hook a brother up with a hea… er, cranium count.  And bring Hash Cash in small denominations so the Hare doesn’t have to concern himself with who he owes change for a $50.  Lastly, New Haven Hash House Harrier patches will be available, $5 bucks cheap.

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Mathole’s August Holiday Hash!

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“There I was!” declares Mathole, waiving his hand broadly among those gathered, instantly quelling the oft flippant remarks common among a kennel teaming for a worthy hunt.  The silence was immediate as all senses focused on the tale to be told by this worthy tale teller.

“There you were!” the Hashers repeat solemnly, now captivated by Math’s hypnotic charisma.  They leaned forward, as if swooning from imbibing slightly too much, prepared to accept truly epic lore as fact.
“There I was!” says Mathole again, smiling with the knowledge his titillating tale was igniting a collective sense of vorfreude that quite possibly could never be quelled, but he proceeded, nonetheless.
“August, I sez,” says Math with great wryness, “What’s the dealio with you and holidays, anyway?  You got a problem with festiveness?”  Mathole follows this question with a steely glare, the sun glinting off his glasses.
August was obviously stunned.  Shocked and appalled, to be more accurate.  Who was this man, this Hasher, to question him?  Wasn’t he the Master of Ball Sweat, the creator of Under Boob Stains?  He was AUGUST, goddamit, and he wasn’t taking any guff from anyone.  Not even a Hasher.  “Well, I, uh…” August begins.
SILENCE!declares Mathole in the fashion of superheroes everywhere.  His voice had not risen, but his command of the situation was clearly apparent.  “I’ve been talking to April and May, and they claim your heat and humidity are mere cloaks for your flaccid heat fervor.  Tell me, Gus, are you just too hot to be hot?” Mathole asks, pleased with his well-delivered and cutting double entendre.
August was now sweltering in a panic.  He’d always had a thing for April’s perkiness, and May’s gams were the source of many May poles, if you get my drift.  He’d only responded to Mathole’s probing query with three words, two and a half words, actually, but he knew he’d been bested by the bestest of the bestors.  With his sweaty tail between his sweaty legs August scampered off to Mother December, where all was good and Andy Williams crooned softly in the background.
Mathole stood the conquering hero, hands on hips, down vest and clean shiggy socks glimmering.  His foe had been humiliated and conquered.  “Let us Hash!” he declared.  And Hash we did…
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August, you’re my bitch.
Welcome to August – the month of NO HOLIDAYS (because he Kicked August’s Ass!)Womp womp.But Mathole is still in a celebratory mood (when isn’t he, really?), so let’s forget that pesky calendar for a day and get decked out for a holiday parade through Milford!Wear an outfit that shows you’re ready to celebrate whatever holiday suits you! Or holidays, if that’s your style. Cinco De Mayo Grinch, anyone? Maybe a Jack-O-Lantern Cupid? What about a star-spangled, shamrocked Baby New Year?Mix and match the holidays to your heart’s content! Just don’t show up in any old outfit and try to pass it off as a Halloween costume. Otherwise your holiday carol will start with “Bullshit, bullshit…”
Date: Saturday, August 2

WHEN: 3pm HST

WHERE: Cherry St., Milford. Look for ShopRite, then look for the strip mall just to the left of ShopRite, then look for the festive wankers parked in the back corner.

Hentai Returns – R*n #152

Hentai Returns – Trail 152

So there we were – a cool summer’s day, hanging out in the DMV parking lot. Hare Hentai Me Down, freshly off his ‘scamper naked thru the woods for a month’ adventure, promised a shitty trail with 2 drink checks, lite shiggy, and other treats.

The pack took off, Just Ed, Blowing You Softly and Tiajuana Donkey Fluffer leading the way, Tap That Teacher trailing behind as usual. But the checks got the better of them and as the pack turned around multiple times, TTT was in front. As BYS was heard asking on trail, “Does TTT know something we don’t?” the answer is “Yes, yes she does,” as we’ll soon find out.

The first beer check was under a huge great-for-climbing tree at the base of East Rock Park. Just Ed really enjoyed his spot sitting against the tree… The pack set off again, deeper into the park, this time only to encounter CBs and YBFs galore, effectively keeping the pack together. The 2nd drink check was down a long slippery slope leading out of the park and consisted of a Capt. Morgan and ginger ale OTF. Mathole had something against this concoction, however, as he violently flung it away from himself, sending it plummeting to the ground, spilling half of its contents to the ground. Let’s just call it an offering to the hashing gods.

The last leg of trail had a new check…PBR!!! Yeah, that’s what we thought too! But noooooo….this was a Piggy Back Ride check. Half the pack participated, half did not. Just Ed stayed behind to wait for TTT – who never showed up. Why? Because what she does know is that short-cutting is always the bestest thing to do, as she skipped back to the On-In as FRB.

Circle down downs were awarded to FRB TTT; DFL Just Johanna; Racist attire to Smashmouth (again); and TTT drank for tech on trail (again). Our RA Hentai got shitty drunk and laughed his way through the rest of circle (Remember kids: The vessel is supposed to be inverted over your h3@d, not just raised there). Just Ed drank for falsely accusing TTT of wearing new shoes; Just Tim, Just Johanna, and BYS drank for not hashing with us for a while; Mathole drank for out-sucking (god, that sounds dirty) Dontyoudare as beer-bitch; and Just Tim drew accolades for carrying Mathole’s ass (I think?) a hella long way at the PBR check. And TDF just stood there and smiled innocently.

On-After was wings, beer and some sort of poutine-y thing at Archie Moore’s. On-out wankers!

Hentai’s Mystery DMV Hash!

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“What could be better than a Hash with an On Out at the local office of the Department of Motor Vehicles?” I ask you.

Well, duh, a Hash with an On In at the Bureau of Free Beer and Loose Sexual Morals is the obvious choice, but that ain’t happening this Hash.  Likely not the next Hash either, so cool your damn jets already.

Hare Hentai Me Down has a delightful if not mysterious Hash in mind for this Saturday when he lays trail from the Hamden DMV.  Hentai has been away for several weeks, so he’s certain to have a Hasherific trail in mind, concocting a fine balance of shiggy and suburban trails.  There are a promised two beer checks on an unstrollerable trail (unstrollerable = shiggy, or at least wheel-sucking muck) that promises three-to-five miles of Hashing from A to A.  Hash Cash is $5.00, which is always a bargain.  On Out is 3:00 PM, or roughly 2:30 PM for our European Hashers and Groton’s Binoc.

Oh, and wear your finest bandana to welcome Hentai back!

Where were we? Oh, yeah…

So there were hashes, and there were hares, and whoopdy-effing-do there was drinking as punishment for such ass-biting trails where beer (BEER, fer Cryin-Out-Loud!) was punishment for the various eff ups committed by hares and hashers alike. How is it we live in such godforsaken times as when the consumption of beer is the albatross around our collective necks? Is this a great country, or what?

So, Smashmouth hared a shitty trail, which was enjoyed by all. His DFL Hasher simply reported that she’d forgotten to run. How un-racist is that? Certainly a Hash teetering on perfection (with the exception of effing Beer Checks, ya bastard!!). We also had the opportunity to celebrate New Haven Hash House Harriers 150th Hash (do I hear Wahoos from your collective keyboards?). Tap That Teacher (TTT, or “Tappy,” to her friends) ensured there was cake. And maybe some beer. But mostly cake. There may or may not be a photo of said cake placed with adept accuracy from your moderator. If no, get over it…

HASH 151!! An Evening Hash. Waaaaaaaayyyy outside our comfort zone. A Shitty Hash, nonetheless! Cut to the the chase: Hare didn’t have the wherewithall to remove cranium gear, and got boozed up as a result. She issues a decree the Don’tYouDareCloseYourEyes NEVER Beer Bitches again and he revels in her edict. Waa to the effing Hoo (again).

Also noted were the vacant names of Michi, and Zoltan, or Master Cyborg, or Velaciraptor. or blue, no wait, it’s green-haired guy. Jesus cricket, Is his Nerd Name Loki? Who the eff is Loki? Is he a cupcake in a Mario Brothers game? Anyhoo, names were discussed and the amourous nature of these two hashers were addresses again and again. We can’t name them BOTH fucks like bunnies, can we?

At this point your moderator pipes is about the language. If you can’t handle it, hang the fuck on to your hat, because it becomes funner…

We hemmed and hawed for a good two minutes, and these two Hashers were named! May I introduce Mishi Horni and Misho Sari, with requisite and stereotipical (and wildly demeaning) bows.

Why in the fuck is your Sari-wearing habit on here? En serio? Put that junk away!!!

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