Monthly Archives: September, 2014

2:00 On Out at HammonASSet Tomorrow!

Flava-Flav would obviously be quite early for the HammonASSet Beach Hash Saturday, September 27th, but think of the Pre-Lube possibilities!

Flava-Flav would obviously be quite early for the HammonASSet Beach Hash Saturday, September 27th, but think of the Pre-Lube possibilities!

Note the On Out tomorrow at HammonASSet, Hashers!  2:00, a whole hour earlier than the norm, which leaves a little more daylight for Search and Rescue to find our sorry asses if Tijuana Donkey Fluffer gets us lost!

Details are posted below, as well as at our Facebook and Meetup pages.

HammonASSet Beach Hash!!

fast-beach-runner-500x331

Blatant R*cist Behavior! Beer must be very, very near…

I’m currently enjoying the thrills of a raging head cold, so please forgive me if my usually clever bon mots fall short in this posting.  I’ll do my damnedest, though, and will begin by chanting about trees and shrubs and flowers with horns on my, well, you know…

Bust out the plaid flannel Speedos and bikinis, Hashers, we’re hea, oh damn, I mean going to Hammonasset Beach for an early Fall Hash Hared by Tijuana Donkey Fluffer!  I know there was talk of a most-excellent You Don’t Have To Go Home Camp Out Hash, but some of the key players have been struck with plague-like maladies (Thanks, Hentai) and the evil forces known as “real life” have claimed a few others.  We vow to On-On, nonetheless!!
Juicy Details!
WHERE:  Hammonasset Beach State Park.  Debauchery will be taking place in the upper northwest corner.  Address for the GPS (and where you can get a fix on the upper NW) is 1200 Boston Post Road, Madison CT.  Exit 62 off of I95 and then drive south until you hit water.
WHEN:  Saturday, September 27th.  On Out is 2:00 PM.  Please note the earlier time.  The Coast Guard’s Search and Rescue Unit doesn’t like looking for Hashers in the dark, so we moved it up now that the nights are longer than the days.
HASH CASH:  $10.00, which covers tasty food afterward.  And feel free to bring your own snacks to share or horde, as well.
STROLLERABLE / DOGABLE?:  Quite likely No.
HARE:  Tijuana Donkey Fluffer and quite possible FML, as well.
SECRET SURPRISE!:  You’re just going to have to be there.
Please check for update at our Facebook and Meetup pages.  HashSpace works, too.
I think I need to mainline some NyQuil now, so On-Out.
Don’tYouDare

Ay Dios Mio! Wonder Woman’s Evil Trail and Hot, Hot Underpants!

Oh my.  Words just fail me.  How do these Photo Documentation Checks even make it onto trail?  For the sake of clarity and identifying the guilty, Don'tYouDare, Tijuana Donkey Fluffer and Tweedle Dumb are all seen doing gawd knows what...

Oh my. Words just fail me. How do these Photo Documentation Checks even make it onto trail? For the sake of clarity and identifying the guilty, Don’tYouDare, Tijuana Donkey Fluffer and Tweedle Dumb are all seen doing gawd knows what…

    Several weeks ago Delaney’s Tap Room in Westville tragically burned to the ground.  Rather than lament the loss of so much tasty, tasty beer our friends at O’Toole’s Irish Pub thought, “Hey, let’s help our fellow beer chug-a-luggers by running around New Haven in our underpants!”  Our own Five Minute Layover heard “underpants” and the scramble was on to throw an off-week Hash was on.
    In no time she donned her Wonder Woman Underoos and went off, laying the most evil of trails throughout the greater O’Toole’s area, laughing maniacally with an evil mwahahaha at every Check Back and YBF.
    The Kennel, rather small for an off week, donned underpants and the chase was on.  Tap That Teacher, Tijuana Donkey Fluffer, Tweedle Dumb and Don’tYouDare were lured into an immediate CB15 (although there may or may not have been exactly 15 marks on trail, argued some).  Our only choice?  Hash through the Latino Jesus Parade!  FML could not have planned this better, and by better, I mostly mean she’s was really effing with us, all to her pleasure.
    Then we Hashed, and got lost, then Hashed a little more, and got lost, and there may have been a little r*cist behavior, but not really, then we got lost again.  FML’s trail led us near to our beloved IKEA, and then turned north toward Primo Gentlemen’s Club where a Beer Near awaited us at the bar where Hentai Me Down joined the Kennel.
    Interesting side note:  As titillating as the thought of a Hot Undies Hash Beer Near at a strip club was, it was quite disappointing the only other underpants in sight were likely made of dental floss and strapped to some chick older than Don’tYouDare.  Yipes!
    Kennel then crossed path’s with O’Toole’s Undie Runners, stopped for an on-the-fly tasty beer check along the curb (Yup, grown adults, sitting on a downed telephone pole in a public park, drinking Sam Adams on a Saturday afternoon.  Goddam life is grand.)
    On In was at O’Toole’s and that crafty TTT duped DYD into being DFL when she allowed him to open the door for her.  Dammit!
    At Circle it was determined that 1.  It was a shitty trail, 2.  There were no boob checks, and 3.  Dammit, why were there no boob checks?!?!?
    Join us next weekend for more Epic Hashing at Hammonasset State Park in Madison, CT, where we’ll have camping, Hashing and mucho debauchery!  This event is evolving a bit, so please keep track at our Meetup, Facebook and HashSpace pages.  Details to be posted shortly.

 

On Out

And #4: Hot Undies Hash This Saturday at O’Toole’s!!

Directly from our very own AGM FML:

“Ok.  My trail for hot undies will be mostly live 🙂 no shiggy and efficient as fuck to get us with the hot undiers. On out will be exactly 1230p so come early for free pre lube. Also I HAVE to have rsvps by friday if walks want the shirt with their $15″

Got that?  We’re Hashing.  In our Underpants (Yup, underpants are required, my Kilt wearing bretheren).  And drinking BEER!  Is this a great effing country or what?

On-Out NEEDS to be at 12:30 Sharp!  No time for BS-ing because the r*cists among us want to hit Rotten Groton’s Wack N Wabble trail that On-Outs at 3:00 HST.  So, quick math:  Hot Underpants Hash at 12:30 and we’re done by 1:30ish + One Hour Drive to Groten = We’ll sure as shite miss Pre-Lube and On-Out if we get caught with our Hot undies down.  Got it?

Hot Undies is important because, well, doesn’t the name Hot Undies say enough?  Also, the $15 goes toward helping the family and employees from Delaney’s Tap Room, which was tragically lost in a fire recently.  Gotta support the tasty beer-serving community so they may keep serving us.

On-Out!!   DYD

#3: A Shitty Pornstache Trail!

Hares Bleeding Gash (sporting a very porn-starry pornstache) and Back Tits McGee laid the most shittiest of live trails through the foreign land of Milford.  Lessons learned #1:  Gash is a big fat liar, claiming trail was four miles-ish.  If one were to wear tech on trail it would be obvious trail was at least seven miles long.  Maybe even eight.  Or 12.  Who the eff knows.
Lesson two:  Back Tits needs to learn the maniacal nature of trail laying.  When I, a possible tech on trail wearer, mentioned the length of the trail I had run he went immediately into Trail Defensive Mode.  “No, the trail was only X” he gloated.  Dumbass.  When the kennel runs further than true trail you should rejoice in the tortuous components of what you laid, not brow-beat Hashers for knowing exactly what the hell you had in mind.  Come to the evil side, Back Tits.  It’s more funner here.
On a critical note the Hare’s did a piss-poor job of marking two, TWO, of five effing booze checks.  Gash, Penis fly Trap and untold others raced back to find boosy treasures, but only the jager was found.
A shitty trail, nonetheless!  Other notes of interest:  Panda Sexpress pointed out to the ever-vigilant Hentai that Virgin Lara’s name was more similarl to maLARAis than the crazy-talk spewing from Hentai in Circle.  Just Sayin

#2: Erections! (I believe this simple headline to be strong enough to stand on its own)

Simple and to the point (although I would have been interested in some Kathering Harris-ish brouhaha ala Bush vs. Gore, but naked, of course).  Don’tYouDare CloseYourEyes has been voted your GM, Five Minute Layover (FML) your AGM and Mathole is you King of Hash Cash.  Hentai Me Down remains or trusty and crowd-controlling RA.  We are all quite humbled by your faith in our abilities, and are updating our personal LinkedIn pages accordingly.  On a celebratory note former GM Tap That Teacher has agreed to be our Ace In The Hole as needed.  Thank you, TTT!  Now, please let me point out that while TTT may be our Ace-In-The-Hole she is by no means our A-Hole.  I’ll take ownership of that title, thank you very much.
On a personal note, I would like to thank FML and Math quite generously.  I’m quite certain this is just the first of many Thank Yous for Saving My Ass.  Let’s get busy!!!

#1: Mis-Management Meeting and Pre-Hash-Cheeseburger-Deluxe-Orgy!

The half-wits, er, I mean Brain Trust met, and we agreed that throughout the next year New Haven Hash House Harriers (a.k.a. Poison Ivy League or the more devisive NHH3 vs. NH4) will strive to accomplish the following.  And by “strive to accomplish” I mean “eat your poop samiches while we bust our arses to keep our precious kennel happy.”
What’s that, Tap That Teacher?  Too bitter too early?  Dammit!  I’ll never understand the balance!!
I’m getting a bit ahead of myself, and it’s only glass #2 of tasty brown booze, so let me please recap:
A primary objective for our kennel during the next 12 months is to grow in size so that we consistently host a Hash of between 20 and (Egad!) 30 Hashers per any given Hash.  These are my words, not the words of the collective, so launch all bullshit missiles my way.  “Why?” you ask.  Because Hashing is effing awesome.  Also, there is strength in numbers, and a consistent base of 20 Hashers that weens down to a Peter Dinklage-sized fistful of Hashers in the nippley month of January has the power to bloom pretty great (and by great I mean bawdy) things in warmer months (and by warmer months I mean February).  Lastly, imagine the number of Virgins we’d have to dig through to get a dozen to cum back time and time again.  The mind spins.
This is the plan, boys and girls:  We’re celebrating Hashmat in February again.  Yup.  Feb-Ru-Snowy-Effing-Ary.  But this is by design, and not just because we want to laugh at shrinkage.  Our heritage, broken as it may be in certain areas, sez the second month is for festiveness.  Who am I to argue?  We’ll Hash like MoFos in the snow, and hope that our good friends at Skull and Boners H3 and Rotten Groton H3 will join our celebration once again.  In return, we’ll rally for an Inter-Hash with the same Kennels later in 2015.  Have faith, Hashers, have faith.
Also, we’re committing to $25 bucks cold cash to promote our awesomeness monthly.  Yes, you’ll all be sporting NHH3 and NH4 tattoos shortly out of a sense of pride, but how many people outside the Hash will be seeing your bare ass on a regular basis?  This question does not apply to Bleeding Gash for obvious  reasons.  The cash will provide support for web-presence at our site, NewHavenH3.com, Meetup, Facebook and HashSpace.com.  There are a few other ideas in the works, and we’ll announce as they cum to fruition.
Mis-Management meetings will be held about every two months or so, the next being in October, and in addition to your elected Mis-Managers we’ll invite a Hasher-At-Large for insight we may have missed.  At this time I can neither confirm nor deny we’ll take this Hasher-at-large’s ideas and call them our own.

Mis-Management, Erections, A Sh*tty Trail and, hold onto your hats, Hot Undies Hash!

Okay, I have a lot of information to pass long to sage and uninitiated Hashers alike, so hold the eff on because I’m going to write this damn near as quickly as I talk before Down Downs force me to start spewing the most absurd and unintelligible of bullshit tales.  To aid in the process the drinking companion tonight is a glass of cheap brown booze as opposed to the giant Bottle-O-Beer that rode shotgun last time I posted.  Let me just top off a second glass and we’ll be on our way!

NH4 Hashers celebrating the joy of shitty beer on trail.

NH4 Hashers celebrating the joy of shitty beer on trail.

WooHoo! We Got Erections!!!

 

True Fact:  National Archive Specialists attest Abraham Lincoln wore saucy diaphanous Slinky-Garments when taking Selfies prior to his demise.

True Fact: National Archive Specialists attest Abraham Lincoln wore saucy diaphanous Slinky-Garments when taking Selfies prior to his demise.

Hashers!  Make certain you wear baggy pants to the next Hash, because we’re gonna have Erections!  WooHoo!!  It’s about goddam time!  I’m telling you, it can not be September 13th soon enough!!!

 
Wait.  Hang on a sec.  Five Minute Layover is just handing me an instant message.  “No, you dumbass!” it sez, “Erections, as in Elections!  It’s our anal tradition to vote new miscreants into the roles of Mis-Management for the New Haven Hash House Harriers kennel so we may have fresh blood to torment at Circle!!”
 
“Oooohh,” sez me, nodding like a doddering old Hasher with a predilection for the simply-explained, while also enjoying the wordplay of her use of “anal” instead of “annual.”
 
Our next Hash is an important Hash, and not just because Hares Bleeding Gash and Back Tits McGee are laying live, but because we vote for those who will lead and be blamed for the direction our kennel goes over the next 12 months.  You’ve all hashed, or at least you’re reading this because someone you tollerate Hashes and encouraged you to read this.  And just like a-holes, you’ve all got an opinion on how you’d like this show run.  Make your feelings known by voting, and you can’t vote if you don’t cum (Did you see that?  I can do a little wordplay, too!).
 
This is important.  This is our Hash.  Please, take ownership.  You only gotta do this once a year, and then it’s an On-In Beerfest for the next 12 months.  Even if you only show up for a few Hashes a year, we want to hear from you.  En serio.
 
And now, the Juicy Hash Details!
 
On-Out is at 1:00 PM HST.  ONE O’CLOCK.  Don’t cum late (damn, this inuendo talk just spews once you’ve gone to the Dark Side).  Why 1:00?  It’s been explained that “one” of the Hares needs to be somewhere by 6:30 PM on the same day as Erections, so the Hashing world, being kind and compassionate, will accomodate.  Apparently, the Hare, who is not named Bleeding Gash, has “more important” places to be, and by “more important” I mean “Needs to be within 50 yards of the home transponder unit else the ankle bracelet alarms and Federales are summoned for yet another parole violation and requisite beat down.”
 
Also, On-Out is behind the Milford Library.  Trail is A to A.  Maybe 4 miles, maybe 6.  There’s talk of 20 percent Shiggy, but Hares are known to be full of shite.  Beer on trail, debauchery, and oodles of cursing at the goddam Hares!   Oh, and lies will be told, too, and TTT will most likely Shortcut!  Or, she’ll simply auto-Hash with her Cop buddies.
 
Not strollerable, not dogable, but most certainly Hashable! 
 
Hash Cash $5.00, cheap, and for godsake, wear new shoes.
 
Again, we care about you and what you idealize in our Hash.  Show up and be known.  Whether you win the vote or not, I assure you your voice will be heard.  FML has been wonderful with her postings on the gigs up for Erection, but there’s so much more history to be gleened at Half-Mind.com.
 
All Wisenheimerish aside, I thank you.  Genuinely.
 
On on, and On-out,
 
Don’t You Dare Close Your Eyes

 

Chickens Choked, Names Named and Sh*t Talked

Bambi's Bitch is aided on an epic Hash trail by Back Tits McGee

Bambi’s Bitch is aided on an epic Hash trail by Back Tits McGee

 The Choked Chicken Hash this past Saturday was the Most Choking of Chicken Hashes, EVER!!  WooHoo!  Of course, I write this as the triumphant co-Hare, and as current moderator of this blog, you’ll just have to keep enduring my seemingly-neverending spew of bullshit.  Hares Don’t You Dare Close Your Eyes, Something, Something, Something, Something (DYD to close friends and vile enemies alike) and Just Linda laid a fiendishly clever trail (did I mention DYD is writing this?), taking the Kennel from the bowels of O’Toole’s Irish Pub to the first serious booze check, an On The Foot (Or Off The Foot, if you go that way) a mere few blocks away.

W. T. F.  Pausing from an overly-emoting dramatic effect.  Where is our Goddam Booze?!?!  The Kennel howled, and the dead-trail-laying hares jumped to respond.  The cleverly-disguised-but-quite-nasty-booze-concoction and oh-so-tasty-and-very-cold-40-of-Coors-Light had disappeared from the OTF!  Again, WTF?!  (Which was a frequent question for this particular Hash).  DYD and JL rushed to the the scene in the ever-reliable JL-Mobile to find Smashmouth wording the diatribe he’s be posting online later and Bambi’s Bitch (scuttling under an “inconvenient” obstacle in the photo above) poking through the nearby dumpster with a parking sign.  All Hashers watched Bambi do this, and I don’t think there was one among us who had the wherewithall to imagine where BB found such an unusual tool for poking.

Lost booze was found in the poked dumpster, but some bastard had drunked (because “drunked” is the correct past tense of “drank or drunk” when we’re speaking of 40s) and our once-refreshing beverage was nothing more than an empty vessel to be traded for $.05 at the Packy.  

As important as it was to find the OTF Booze was the need to find the first two of five Choked Chickens on trail.  First Choked Chicken wearer to cross the Chicken Road at On-In was to be awarded a bottle sweet Kentuck Bourbon.

Next Stop:  Beer Quest 25 after a well-placed Song Check in front of casual diners at Dempsey’s.  Hares watched the Song Check from a secluded vantage point as visiting Hasher Panda Sexpress led all in a round of “If Your Girlfriend Tastes Like Shit, Roll Her Over,” impressingg the nearby outdoor diners at Dempsey”s, along with the diners’ young children.

BQ25 followed immediately, where Just Linda offered a Banana Bread Beer (because bananas are yellow, and so are chickens, per Frank Perdue, so they must taste pretty much the same, which anyone would know to be obvious.).  Beer was found and consumed this time and there was even a third Choked Chicken (thank you, Awesome Hares), but feathers were apparently ruffled, thanks to Tap That Teacher’s taunting of the locals.  What the hell’s up with her and the cops?

I think now would be a good time to stop, open another Giant Beer, and reveal something I’ve learned in the few months since I so foolishly volunteered to feebly update this site.  It is amazing to me how gladly your fellow Hashers with give up the stupid shit that was done on trail, by you or another Hasher, and do so with an unconstrained and willful sense of glee.  Effing Amazing!  In fact, at this very moment there’s a laundry list of stupid shit Bleeding Gash was happy to dish on, including the aforementioned TTT vs. The Cops issue, and vertical-leap-challenged Hentai Me Down’s taunting of Back Tits McGee, Tijuana Donkey Fluffer, Bambi and Gash himself for not launching over a 20-foot wall after foolishly following a false trail to a  dead end.  True?  Not true?  Don’t know, but I suspect there’s a line of buses out there waiting for you all to throw more Hashers under.  I couldn’t be more proud (wiping a sentimental tear from my eye).

First official Beer Stop was along a smelly river-ish body of water in Fair Haven.  Hasher Virgin and Ardent Texan Just Jennifer snagged the fourth Choked Chicken (which was unnervingly near a giant cardboard box of dead fish spilled all over the ground, which begs to ask “Who the hell puts so many dead fish in a goddam corrugated carton and leaves it beside a sketchy-but-public throughway, anyway?).  After beers were pounded down and trash was talked the Kennel was sent through a few yards (okay, maybe about 120 yards) of unmarked and noxious shiggy before finding the urban trail NH4 (or NHH3, if you go that way) is known for.  A handful escaped the full shiggy, choosing instead to scale a 12-foot fence after which they would have to climb yet another 12-foot fence to escape.  D’oh!

In the rush to find Beer Check #2 all Hashers blew by the final Choked Chicken and soon found themselves crawling under fences to get to more beer in the parking lot of a local German bakery.  Visiting Bethel Hasher Leapfrog (who’s full name is unknown because I drank a little beer and forgot it, but it was remarkably dastardly) says to Don’t You Dare “So, is this an authorized place for a beer check, or are we trespassing?”  “Oh, it’s authorized.  I know the owner of the bakery,” I lied out my ass, scanning the horizon for TTT’s Cop Buddies.

Tap That Teacher was waiting for the auto-Hashing Hares at the On-In, happily waiting on the porch at DYD’s place with a Choked Chicken around her neck.  She cheated on trail and was to be awarded the goddam booze prize.  Again, a tear fills my eye.  The balance of the Kennel made it in until we were just waiting for a wayward Mathole, and all was right with the Hashing world.

Bleeding Gash, once again spent and supine...

Bleeding Gash, once again spent and supine…

But wait!  There’s More!  Bleeding Gash and a visiting Hasher from Seattle realized the fifth Chocked Chicken was still on trail!  DYD gave the location and they were off, two of the most r*cist effing Hashers ever, passing up on cold beer for a Chicken that would win one a bottle of Big Cock wine.

Having aided and abetted in Haring duties for the first time the Kennel decided they would name Just Linda, despite the fact several marks were remarkably small (so size doesn’t matter?), too frequent at the beginning of trail and on at least two ocassions just effed the effed up all over the effing place.  Questions were asked, sexual positions were demonstrated and finally she was sent away while the Kennel debated.

This was a hard one (that’s what she said), as all Hashers agreed JL’s name should reflect the Leeroy Jenkins disaster she survived at TDF’s Hash two weeks earlier, but the exact name was at issue.  At the end we ruled out Going Down on Leeroy for the the popular vote, Facefull Of Leeroy.  Welcome, Faceful, and thank you for co-Haring a Shitty Trail!

Facefull of Leeroy

As a Post Script, I’d like to encourage everyone to Hash with us Saturday, September 13th, when we will have Hash Erections!  Several positions are to be filled, and we need your help and guidance in selecting the chumps, er, I mean, Mis-Managers of our Kennel.  Early Hash Time of 1:00 so we may accomodate Bleeding Gash’s beotch.  Cum early, cum often, but just cum!  Details at our MeetUp and Facebook pages.

Erections September 13th!

Erections September 13th!

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