The Choked Chicken Hash this past Saturday was the Most Choking of Chicken Hashes, EVER!! WooHoo! Of course, I write this as the triumphant co-Hare, and as current moderator of this blog, you’ll just have to keep enduring my seemingly-neverending spew of bullshit. Hares Don’t You Dare Close Your Eyes, Something, Something, Something, Something (DYD to close friends and vile enemies alike) and Just Linda laid a fiendishly clever trail (did I mention DYD is writing this?), taking the Kennel from the bowels of O’Toole’s Irish Pub to the first serious booze check, an On The Foot (Or Off The Foot, if you go that way) a mere few blocks away.
W. T. F. Pausing from an overly-emoting dramatic effect. Where is our Goddam Booze?!?! The Kennel howled, and the dead-trail-laying hares jumped to respond. The cleverly-disguised-but-quite-nasty-booze-concoction and oh-so-tasty-and-very-cold-40-of-Coors-Light had disappeared from the OTF! Again, WTF?! (Which was a frequent question for this particular Hash). DYD and JL rushed to the the scene in the ever-reliable JL-Mobile to find Smashmouth wording the diatribe he’s be posting online later and Bambi’s Bitch (scuttling under an “inconvenient” obstacle in the photo above) poking through the nearby dumpster with a parking sign. All Hashers watched Bambi do this, and I don’t think there was one among us who had the wherewithall to imagine where BB found such an unusual tool for poking.
Lost booze was found in the poked dumpster, but some bastard had drunked (because “drunked” is the correct past tense of “drank or drunk” when we’re speaking of 40s) and our once-refreshing beverage was nothing more than an empty vessel to be traded for $.05 at the Packy.
As important as it was to find the OTF Booze was the need to find the first two of five Choked Chickens on trail. First Choked Chicken wearer to cross the Chicken Road at On-In was to be awarded a bottle sweet Kentuck Bourbon.
Next Stop: Beer Quest 25 after a well-placed Song Check in front of casual diners at Dempsey’s. Hares watched the Song Check from a secluded vantage point as visiting Hasher Panda Sexpress led all in a round of “If Your Girlfriend Tastes Like Shit, Roll Her Over,” impressingg the nearby outdoor diners at Dempsey”s, along with the diners’ young children.
BQ25 followed immediately, where Just Linda offered a Banana Bread Beer (because bananas are yellow, and so are chickens, per Frank Perdue, so they must taste pretty much the same, which anyone would know to be obvious.). Beer was found and consumed this time and there was even a third Choked Chicken (thank you, Awesome Hares), but feathers were apparently ruffled, thanks to Tap That Teacher’s taunting of the locals. What the hell’s up with her and the cops?
I think now would be a good time to stop, open another Giant Beer, and reveal something I’ve learned in the few months since I so foolishly volunteered to feebly update this site. It is amazing to me how gladly your fellow Hashers with give up the stupid shit that was done on trail, by you or another Hasher, and do so with an unconstrained and willful sense of glee. Effing Amazing! In fact, at this very moment there’s a laundry list of stupid shit Bleeding Gash was happy to dish on, including the aforementioned TTT vs. The Cops issue, and vertical-leap-challenged Hentai Me Down’s taunting of Back Tits McGee, Tijuana Donkey Fluffer, Bambi and Gash himself for not launching over a 20-foot wall after foolishly following a false trail to a dead end. True? Not true? Don’t know, but I suspect there’s a line of buses out there waiting for you all to throw more Hashers under. I couldn’t be more proud (wiping a sentimental tear from my eye).
First official Beer Stop was along a smelly river-ish body of water in Fair Haven. Hasher Virgin and Ardent Texan Just Jennifer snagged the fourth Choked Chicken (which was unnervingly near a giant cardboard box of dead fish spilled all over the ground, which begs to ask “Who the hell puts so many dead fish in a goddam corrugated carton and leaves it beside a sketchy-but-public throughway, anyway?). After beers were pounded down and trash was talked the Kennel was sent through a few yards (okay, maybe about 120 yards) of unmarked and noxious shiggy before finding the urban trail NH4 (or NHH3, if you go that way) is known for. A handful escaped the full shiggy, choosing instead to scale a 12-foot fence after which they would have to climb yet another 12-foot fence to escape. D’oh!
In the rush to find Beer Check #2 all Hashers blew by the final Choked Chicken and soon found themselves crawling under fences to get to more beer in the parking lot of a local German bakery. Visiting Bethel Hasher Leapfrog (who’s full name is unknown because I drank a little beer and forgot it, but it was remarkably dastardly) says to Don’t You Dare “So, is this an authorized place for a beer check, or are we trespassing?” “Oh, it’s authorized. I know the owner of the bakery,” I lied out my ass, scanning the horizon for TTT’s Cop Buddies.
Tap That Teacher was waiting for the auto-Hashing Hares at the On-In, happily waiting on the porch at DYD’s place with a Choked Chicken around her neck. She cheated on trail and was to be awarded the goddam booze prize. Again, a tear fills my eye. The balance of the Kennel made it in until we were just waiting for a wayward Mathole, and all was right with the Hashing world.
But wait! There’s More! Bleeding Gash and a visiting Hasher from Seattle realized the fifth Chocked Chicken was still on trail! DYD gave the location and they were off, two of the most r*cist effing Hashers ever, passing up on cold beer for a Chicken that would win one a bottle of Big Cock wine.
Having aided and abetted in Haring duties for the first time the Kennel decided they would name Just Linda, despite the fact several marks were remarkably small (so size doesn’t matter?), too frequent at the beginning of trail and on at least two ocassions just effed the effed up all over the effing place. Questions were asked, sexual positions were demonstrated and finally she was sent away while the Kennel debated.
This was a hard one (that’s what she said), as all Hashers agreed JL’s name should reflect the Leeroy Jenkins disaster she survived at TDF’s Hash two weeks earlier, but the exact name was at issue. At the end we ruled out Going Down on Leeroy for the the popular vote, Facefull Of Leeroy. Welcome, Faceful, and thank you for co-Haring a Shitty Trail!
As a Post Script, I’d like to encourage everyone to Hash with us Saturday, September 13th, when we will have Hash Erections! Several positions are to be filled, and we need your help and guidance in selecting the chumps, er, I mean, Mis-Managers of our Kennel. Early Hash Time of 1:00 so we may accomodate Bleeding Gash’s beotch. Cum early, cum often, but just cum! Details at our MeetUp and Facebook pages.