Summarizing Don’tYouDare’s Pants-Off Dance-Off Hash will be from an odd perspective since 1. I’m Don’tYouDare, 2. I kind of live-Hared it to the first Booze Check, and 3. I kind of Hashed it from there. So rather than trying to capture the harrowing events and wild dancing done on trail with any sense of witty repartee, I think I’ll stick with my numbering system to summarize the long day that it was.
1. Haring with chalk in the rain bites ass. Giant ass, if I may. To compensate, as I’m so wont to do, I left most trail marks on vertical surfaces, which made them hard to see (that’s what she said) for Hashers who are accustomed to looking to the ground for direction. Also, at the Checks where I had so cleverly planned a dance event I did an ass-bitey job of marking the lead up to said dance event, thwarting my cleverness. In hindsight, I should have drank at Circle for stupidassedness, buty I didn’t. I suspect I may on the 25th, however.
B. Live Haring is more fear-inducing than I had imagined (had never live-Hared before, and definitely has never solo live-Hared. Yipe!). It shouldn’t have been, though. I had already marked the trail, so it should have been a no-brainer, but I kind of just wandered through the first half of the trail when I originally marked, so I was remarking as Hare and maybe Hashing a little bit, too. Perhaps the greatest source of fear was in the knowledge we had at least two serious FRBers Hashing in Bleeding Hash and Panda Sexpress, and I in no way was prepared to lose my pants if caught (although it would have been an interesting Leeroy Jenkins event).
3. First Booze Check was an On The Foot (Off The Foot?) where I was finally able to rid my refrigerator of the bleu cheese-stuffed olives that had been in my fridge for the past four years. The martini was vile and tasted of ball sweat, it was claimed by Gash, and I had to take his word on his taste comparison.
4. After the shitty martini we ran into Taint No Savior and his chick (Paige?) from Skull and Boners H3. Hi Taint!
5. Hashing a trail you’ve Hared, even if you’re absolutely not certain of every twist and turn, can be quite amusing. Amusement is exponential when you realize you can watch the Kennel follow the Check Backs you’ve laid.
F. Beer Check was found in an abandoned manufacturing complex, and I did a silent Phew that it was still there. I had planned for more beer and water than I’d need, and poor Virgin Steve (or was it Virgin Bob?) had to hump that shit when we On Outed again. Being wise to the trail I short-cutted forward while most of the Kennel (minus Smashmouth, who doesn’t cotton to shenanigans) was dispatched to crawl under or climb over a rusty and Tetanus-threatening fence.
7. Bonus Beer OTF! WooHoo! Another Check Back! Woo to the effing Hoo!
8. Kennel disintegrated well before the On In at O’Toole’s. Tap That Teacher and Hentai Me Down were long lost, Smashmouth and Tweedle Dumb didn’t wait at the Bonus OTF and were well in front, and Face-Full of Leeroy and Panda said “eff it” and short-cutted in when they became distracted at the last true Check. Only the Virgin, Gash and DYD had the fun of Gangnam dancing across Elm Street.
9. FRB? TTT, I think. DFL? Maybe that was TTT, too. I gotta take better notes.
10. Hi I’m Gay met us at the On In and offered up some refreshing songs at Circle where he guest Beer Bitched. Thanks, HIG! There were accusations and accolades disguised as accusations, a welcoming of Virgin Bob and some cleverly-disguised booze in lieu of beer Down Downs. Shitty times, fellow Hashers. Shitty times, indeed.
On On – DYD