Category Archives: boobs
This amazing hash trash will start out as all shitty hash stories should….SO THERE WE WERE! NO SHIT!
A semi-decent mid-winter’s day, ready to become the rock stars we all know we are. A gaggle of around 20 gathered with, wait – more chicks than dudes?? Wow, that’s a first! Our hares Freddy Mercury and David Bowie, aka Tijuana Donkey Fluffer and Just Pete, promised a debaucherous trail that would rival Ozzy and Tommy Lee’s infamous exploits! Uh-huh.
For prelube Bowie/Pete concocted some burn your throat steaming hot cocktail for those brave enough, and the rest drank a mishmash of leftover beers. We noticed a dark Volvo with Maryland plates turning into the parking lot…could it be? Really? Yes! It was New Haven’s own Bambi’s Bitch back for a visit! No shit! Mathole, stand-in RA, started chalk talk, and boy, we must’ve really been running behind because Binocucock saunters up and actually catches it all! We blow off the hares and give them 9.69 minutes, then we’re off.
An immediate T/E split awards the eagles with mustaches to make Mr. Mercury jealous, and then the group quickly reconvenes, straight on to a virgin check. Thanks to Placenta something or other from Charleston for mentoring his virgin. Not. We had to wait for that neon clad boy to make his way back, h3@d hung in shame, so we could point him in the direction of true trail. Into the woods for BC1…Franzia bag-o-wine. Yum. Toward the body of the Sleeping Giant we go, straight to a KOTH. Reward, but no punishment. Come on! Hashing is all about punishment! The pack voted to wait for all 3 DFLs instead of leaving them behind for some reason. What’s with all the chivalry on trail?!?
Across some slippery ass leaves, through some snow and mud, BC2…BQ25. Great job hares, took 19 of us 5 minutes to find your dumb bag-o-beer. Thanks Marty. Binoc’s esoteric knowledge of, well everything, let us know we were at some quarry place, and yes, sitting on poison ivy. Bambi’s Bitch found a Mexican stripper’s sequin…in his Modelo beer. WTF? (I’m sure he kept it for something or other).
Now, we were told we would get wet on this trail, much to the delight of the harriettes who showed up…but this is NOT what we expected. Knee deep 12° water, replete with floating ice blocks. Who’s knees? Not Flick’s, and not Teacher’s! Frostbite all around! And chivalry too, thanks Marty and…someone else, who knows? We run into an awesome super nova, then straignt onto Quinnipiac University’s campus. Kudoos (maybe?) to Jolly Green Cowboy for planting himself at the dick check for 15 minutes to spare the others who would’ve claimed that “They were in the pool!!!” I’m sure all the visiting parents appreciated it as well. Song check where we almost left the trio of DFLs again, to a Rock Star pop-rocks check. Let it be known that Binoc wishes they had KY flavored ones too. Ummm….
Stick with me here, I’m almost done! Do a shot or something.
Into the home stretch, Gene Simmons, aka Master Hater, bit the bullet and pulled a Cowboy for the duration with her ample bosom out for all our voyeuristic pleasure…BQ3 was some hideous concoction of vodka, Southern Comfort and grapefruit soda. Yup, hardcore rock stars here. With all the booze consumed, TTT convinced some minions 😉 to just zen back to on-in. PAHB! A small but
dumb determined group soldiered on, making friends with a decaying pumpkin which Placenta got his cranium up close and personal with. Grossssssss!!
Circle time: FRB Tweedle Dumb. DFL Not Teacher! Blood on trail Placenta. Pointing Teacher. Placenta looked like he was too sober so kept getting called in for all sorts of bull that we made up. Cops: Cowboy. Yeah, he decided his nether regions were too stuffy in his neon shorts, so decided to go without for circle. The Hamden PD were not impressed. “Disgusting” was the word they used I believe!!!! On-after, pizza and beer, and our hare Bowie/Pete, was named forevermore, That’s Pee in the Corner. And yes, he must sing it.
God I’m tired. On-Out, TTT
Who doesn’t love gadgets? You know you do….. And who hasn’t seen a gadget on an infomercial that seemed awesome??
But…maybe you didn’t have the werewithall (or the guts) to call and order that Paintstick or 1-Second Slicer at the time. Well, now you can live out your gadget fantasies! (at least the PG ones…)
So grab your Stompees and your CamiSecret, pimp out your Snuggie, or just cum dressed as a Shake Weight! Either way, cum be a part of the biggest NH4 infomercial EVAH!
When: SUNDAY, November 22nd….note day change. This is not a Saturday people. At 1:00pee-em.
Where: Linden Park, Naugatuck. Take Route 8 North to Exit 27, take a left off the ramp, and you’re there.
Trail: A to A, 3.5ish miles
Hash Cash: $5, Virgins always free
Shiggy level: Not much…you know what tends to happen on Mathole’s trails. Yup, rain.
On-after: Union Street Station, 23 Union St. Naugatuck.
But wait! There’s more! We’re hashing on a Sunday because New Haven’s very own Faceful of Leroy will be joining us straight from the tropical rainforests of Grenada on her way to sunny California. Cum on down and visit with her!
The D8s for the New Haven Hash House Harriers 8th HashMat have been set! February 27th, 28th and March 1st, 2015, should be on your calendar for our celebration of the chaos our Kennel created 8 years ago at IKEA. Please join us in celebration where there will likely be Devi8ion, Sati8ion and quite possible Masturb8ion! Details will follow in the coming weeks to include rego fees, awesome t-shirts designed by our own Hentai Me Down, schwag info, lodging discounts and all manner of illicit behavior where we may work the numeral 8 into evil and overtly-suggestive forms. Stay tuned!
Other notes: Tap That Teacher is Haring November 8th (what a convenient date!) as we r*n our White Dress event, Don’tYouDare Hares the Breakfast In America Hash November 22nd at an earlier time so that our dedicated Hashers may also Hash with Skull & Boners later the same day (kinda r*cist, if you ask me), Mathole Hares an evil trail December 6th and Hentai Hares the annual SantaCon Hash December 20th.
Don’tYouDare CloseYourEyes (which apparently is from some song which DYD is completely oblivious of)
We’re Hashing in the rain today! WooHoo! Unless, of course, it’s not raining. But we’re Hashing, nonetheless!
On out is behind Koffee on Audobon, in the sketchy area that you can access from Whitney Avenue. Trail may be live, but only if I think I can lay it while wearing at least a dozen pair of pants and still r*n.
Oh, and if anyone knows the chick in the photo posted above feel free to invite her.
Wear new shoes for added traction in slippery conditions!
KOFFEE – 104 Audubon St, New Haven, CT 06511
Directly from our very own AGM FML:
“Ok. My trail for hot undies will be mostly live 🙂 no shiggy and efficient as fuck to get us with the hot undiers. On out will be exactly 1230p so come early for free pre lube. Also I HAVE to have rsvps by friday if walks want the shirt with their $15″
Got that? We’re Hashing. In our Underpants (Yup, underpants are required, my Kilt wearing bretheren). And drinking BEER! Is this a great effing country or what?
On-Out NEEDS to be at 12:30 Sharp! No time for BS-ing because the r*cists among us want to hit Rotten Groton’s Wack N Wabble trail that On-Outs at 3:00 HST. So, quick math: Hot Underpants Hash at 12:30 and we’re done by 1:30ish + One Hour Drive to Groten = We’ll sure as shite miss Pre-Lube and On-Out if we get caught with our Hot undies down. Got it?
Hot Undies is important because, well, doesn’t the name Hot Undies say enough? Also, the $15 goes toward helping the family and employees from Delaney’s Tap Room, which was tragically lost in a fire recently. Gotta support the tasty beer-serving community so they may keep serving us.
The Choked Chicken Hash this past Saturday was the Most Choking of Chicken Hashes, EVER!! WooHoo! Of course, I write this as the triumphant co-Hare, and as current moderator of this blog, you’ll just have to keep enduring my seemingly-neverending spew of bullshit. Hares Don’t You Dare Close Your Eyes, Something, Something, Something, Something (DYD to close friends and vile enemies alike) and Just Linda laid a fiendishly clever trail (did I mention DYD is writing this?), taking the Kennel from the bowels of O’Toole’s Irish Pub to the first serious booze check, an On The Foot (Or Off The Foot, if you go that way) a mere few blocks away.
W. T. F. Pausing from an overly-emoting dramatic effect. Where is our Goddam Booze?!?! The Kennel howled, and the dead-trail-laying hares jumped to respond. The cleverly-disguised-but-quite-nasty-booze-concoction and oh-so-tasty-and-very-cold-40-of-Coors-Light had disappeared from the OTF! Again, WTF?! (Which was a frequent question for this particular Hash). DYD and JL rushed to the the scene in the ever-reliable JL-Mobile to find Smashmouth wording the diatribe he’s be posting online later and Bambi’s Bitch (scuttling under an “inconvenient” obstacle in the photo above) poking through the nearby dumpster with a parking sign. All Hashers watched Bambi do this, and I don’t think there was one among us who had the wherewithall to imagine where BB found such an unusual tool for poking.
Lost booze was found in the poked dumpster, but some bastard had drunked (because “drunked” is the correct past tense of “drank or drunk” when we’re speaking of 40s) and our once-refreshing beverage was nothing more than an empty vessel to be traded for $.05 at the Packy.
As important as it was to find the OTF Booze was the need to find the first two of five Choked Chickens on trail. First Choked Chicken wearer to cross the Chicken Road at On-In was to be awarded a bottle sweet Kentuck Bourbon.
Next Stop: Beer Quest 25 after a well-placed Song Check in front of casual diners at Dempsey’s. Hares watched the Song Check from a secluded vantage point as visiting Hasher Panda Sexpress led all in a round of “If Your Girlfriend Tastes Like Shit, Roll Her Over,” impressingg the nearby outdoor diners at Dempsey”s, along with the diners’ young children.
BQ25 followed immediately, where Just Linda offered a Banana Bread Beer (because bananas are yellow, and so are chickens, per Frank Perdue, so they must taste pretty much the same, which anyone would know to be obvious.). Beer was found and consumed this time and there was even a third Choked Chicken (thank you, Awesome Hares), but feathers were apparently ruffled, thanks to Tap That Teacher’s taunting of the locals. What the hell’s up with her and the cops?
I think now would be a good time to stop, open another Giant Beer, and reveal something I’ve learned in the few months since I so foolishly volunteered to feebly update this site. It is amazing to me how gladly your fellow Hashers with give up the stupid shit that was done on trail, by you or another Hasher, and do so with an unconstrained and willful sense of glee. Effing Amazing! In fact, at this very moment there’s a laundry list of stupid shit Bleeding Gash was happy to dish on, including the aforementioned TTT vs. The Cops issue, and vertical-leap-challenged Hentai Me Down’s taunting of Back Tits McGee, Tijuana Donkey Fluffer, Bambi and Gash himself for not launching over a 20-foot wall after foolishly following a false trail to a dead end. True? Not true? Don’t know, but I suspect there’s a line of buses out there waiting for you all to throw more Hashers under. I couldn’t be more proud (wiping a sentimental tear from my eye).
First official Beer Stop was along a smelly river-ish body of water in Fair Haven. Hasher Virgin and Ardent Texan Just Jennifer snagged the fourth Choked Chicken (which was unnervingly near a giant cardboard box of dead fish spilled all over the ground, which begs to ask “Who the hell puts so many dead fish in a goddam corrugated carton and leaves it beside a sketchy-but-public throughway, anyway?). After beers were pounded down and trash was talked the Kennel was sent through a few yards (okay, maybe about 120 yards) of unmarked and noxious shiggy before finding the urban trail NH4 (or NHH3, if you go that way) is known for. A handful escaped the full shiggy, choosing instead to scale a 12-foot fence after which they would have to climb yet another 12-foot fence to escape. D’oh!
In the rush to find Beer Check #2 all Hashers blew by the final Choked Chicken and soon found themselves crawling under fences to get to more beer in the parking lot of a local German bakery. Visiting Bethel Hasher Leapfrog (who’s full name is unknown because I drank a little beer and forgot it, but it was remarkably dastardly) says to Don’t You Dare “So, is this an authorized place for a beer check, or are we trespassing?” “Oh, it’s authorized. I know the owner of the bakery,” I lied out my ass, scanning the horizon for TTT’s Cop Buddies.
Tap That Teacher was waiting for the auto-Hashing Hares at the On-In, happily waiting on the porch at DYD’s place with a Choked Chicken around her neck. She cheated on trail and was to be awarded the goddam booze prize. Again, a tear fills my eye. The balance of the Kennel made it in until we were just waiting for a wayward Mathole, and all was right with the Hashing world.
But wait! There’s More! Bleeding Gash and a visiting Hasher from Seattle realized the fifth Chocked Chicken was still on trail! DYD gave the location and they were off, two of the most r*cist effing Hashers ever, passing up on cold beer for a Chicken that would win one a bottle of Big Cock wine.
Having aided and abetted in Haring duties for the first time the Kennel decided they would name Just Linda, despite the fact several marks were remarkably small (so size doesn’t matter?), too frequent at the beginning of trail and on at least two ocassions just effed the effed up all over the effing place. Questions were asked, sexual positions were demonstrated and finally she was sent away while the Kennel debated.
This was a hard one (that’s what she said), as all Hashers agreed JL’s name should reflect the Leeroy Jenkins disaster she survived at TDF’s Hash two weeks earlier, but the exact name was at issue. At the end we ruled out Going Down on Leeroy for the the popular vote, Facefull Of Leeroy. Welcome, Faceful, and thank you for co-Haring a Shitty Trail!
As a Post Script, I’d like to encourage everyone to Hash with us Saturday, September 13th, when we will have Hash Erections! Several positions are to be filled, and we need your help and guidance in selecting the chumps, er, I mean, Mis-Managers of our Kennel. Early Hash Time of 1:00 so we may accomodate Bleeding Gash’s beotch. Cum early, cum often, but just cum! Details at our MeetUp and Facebook pages.
Why did the Hashers cross the road?